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Dedicated to the last night for hopefully a while that I will be up looking a hot mess finding ways to b.s. through a school paper. There may be more sleepless nights in my future refining cover letters and resumes, but this is the tail-end of my career as an undergrad monster. And I can’t express how excited I am, faodfihaixefwnwaekdsalf WHOOPDEEWOOO CHAHAHACHA

In all my excitement, I just want to go dan-sing dan-sing! Tomorrow is Thursday, our RoD night and I just want to turn in this final, put that makeup and swag on, get drinks w the girls, and go dan-sing dan-sing. Hell, screw dan-sing at U31, lets just turn in our finals and drive to BEGASSS for dan-sing! This is the one thing that I miss from Sandyago, having my RoDs all over the place is straining my heart! But I know we’re all killin’ it across Cali/Europe!
Sweaty from that two-stepping, say hayy

And now that I have moved home, realized how different life can be without college and friends as neighbors, and thought about a lot of life that will take tons of other posts to go over, I have begun to reconnect myself to my family. Sure, I don’t even know half the crapload of issues that we may have right now, just like with any other family. But I do know that when I feel like I have no one, its a fat ass lie.

Yes, I’ve been having a little bit of a rough time figuring stuff out back in oakland, and a lot of it has to do with mixed-up love, confusion on what “loves” ultimately make me happy. I love him, I love her, he doesn’t want to be with me, she doesn’t want to be my friend, I love my family, I love Oakland, they stress me out, New York is better for me. It pretty much has boiled down to figuring out that love is conditional, there are conditions to loving something. Times, places, people, situations: they’re ever-changing. You can love something and it might not give it back, now or ever. But at least you know what it was that you felt. And the most important, underlying concept, is that I know that I love myself for loving what I loved, shit ain’t gonna get in the way of that (though it can get tiring, but hey I’ve got bundles of love). So I’m going with the flow again. And it is BEYOND exciting me. I can’t wait to have that future in front of me, moldable to however I please. Hell to the yes. My wise (and nerdy) uncle told me yesterday that he sat in one of those “how to change your life” conference lectures for an hour and a half. At the end of the lecture, the guy says “But truthfully, it all boils down to three words… Be. Happy. Now.” Well hell, why’d you make everyone sit in there for an hour and a half?? But those three words form a strong statement.
So I do want to give my appreciation to the few who have been helping me be. happy. now.




So I just spent way too long on avoiding this awesome paper I have to write. Haha and I’m loving every minute I spend away from it. The procrastination is extra exhilarating this time. I dont want to stop…


26Jul10

I need a job a job a job a job a job.

In one week the REAL post-grad life searching will officially begin.


19Jul10

I hate my life without you in it.

I love myself and I know that I can be happy living my life on my own. But everything about life just sounds happier with you in it.

I know how to write people out of my life. I’ve become skilled in the area of parting ways with best friends, friends that I miss but that I know where things will never be the same. Friends that I’ve known from 4 yrs to 12 yrs, friends that were lovers, some that left me, some that I left. But I have never felt so lonely and lost when trying to leave a friend. Because I can tell other friends my stupid stories. But I’d rather tell you. I can have a good time with other friends, but I’d rather get in an argument with you. Cause in the end one good time with you outweighs ten rare arguments. And I can meet other guys for drinks at a bar. But I’d rather meet you.


13Jul10

Sometimes you win some, you lose some; and sometimes you win none and lose everything. That’s the point when you need to stop hoping and stop fighting.


19Jun10

What if. You begin to realize that all that you ever wanted for months you probably will never have. And everything you had is slowly disappearing, dying. What if. You start to fear what you wanted, how will you decide the next step? Are things getting more confusing or are things clearing themselves out for a fresh plate? What if. It is all not supposed to be thought about but it is the only thing on your mind? I’m drained, and exhausted, I need a long deep sleep. I wish that would fix everything.


4am music

10Jun10



And I have a slight case Bieber fever, but he’s just so catchy sometimes:

Let me show you what your missin
Paradise
With me youre winning girl
You dont have to roll the dice
Tell me what youre really here for
Them other guys?
I can see right through ya

You seem like the type
To love em and leave em
And disappear right after the song.
So give me the night
To show you, hold you
Don’t leave me out here dancin alone